Friday, October 30

Pig Lickin Cake

Yeah. You read that right. The name of this cake is PIG LICKIN. However, you will be surprised to learn that, unlike some of our other fabulous submissions, this cake does NOT contain SPAM or pork n' beans. So where does the completely out-of-left-field name come from? Don't ask me, ask Bev Utash. She's the one who invented this Midwest classic.

If anyone out there knows why this is Pig Lickin Cake, or what the hell that means (blind guesses are acceptable too), please for the love of all that's holy let me know. Because the only images that Pig Lickin conjures in my mind are so NSFW it's not even funny, and this is a family establishment here goddammit.

Props to Mrs. Gertrude Black for yet again providin this blog with A-list material!

1 yellow cake mix (2 layer size)
3 oz. box instant vanilla puddin
3/4 c. oil (of the vegetable variety, I presume)
4 eggs
1 sm. can mandarin oranges, undrained (thus far I see nothin relatin to pigs or lickin)

Oven Temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: 9 x 13 x 2 (is there a 9 x 13 bakin pan in existance that isn't 2 inches deep? I've certainly never seen one)

How to:
Put all ingredients in large mixin bowl. Mix 2 to 3 minutes. Pour into 9" x 13" x 2" greased and floured or 2 (8" x 9") greased and floured round pans. (sorry, but double-decker cakes are a little too fancy for the church potluck, Bev. unless this is for a pig lickin weddin, we'll stick to the good ol' sheet cake) Bake in preheated 350 degree oven 25 to 30 minutes for round pans or 30 to 35 minutes for a rectangular pan.

Toppin: (hey guess what? we didn't give you this in the ingredients list, so you probably neglected to purchase these additional items at the grocery store and won't realize you need them until it's too late! well, tough taco for you! of course, if you were a GOOD Midwest housewife, you'd keep a steady supply of all three of the followin items in the pantry, right next to your stockpile of cream of mushroom soups.)
15 oz. can crushed pineapple
6 oz. box vanilla instant puddin
8 oz. carton non dairy whip (a cake just isn't complete without a slatherin of Cool Whip!)

Thursday, October 29

Hot Diggity-Hot Dish

Or, as I would prefer to call it, Hot Diggity-Food Poisonin. This hurlicious dish comes to us from Helen Murawski via Mrs. Gertrude Black. Again, keepin with the standard of great Hot Dishes everywhere, it appears that Ms. Murawski took the upcomin church potluck as an opportunity to clean out her fridge and pantry. I picture her tossin it all in a casserole and throwin it in the oven, sayin "I signed up for a hot dish. It's hot and it's in a dish. What more do they want?"

2 c. macaroni, cooked (oh good, so it'll be nice and soggy by the time the dish has finished bakin)
1 lb. frankfurters, cut into quarters (frankfurters, as opposed to wieners. ugh. I just remembered what it's like to cut a hot dog in half.)
1 can creamed celery soup (in French accent: "buht ohf caourse!")
1 (8 oz.) tub sour cream (at room temperature) (that's just askin for trouble)
1 C. shredded carrots
1/2 C. chopped onion
1/4 C. chopped green peppers (oooh - adventurous vegetable)
1/2 tsp. dill weed (optional) (I'm not quite seein the connection between flavors here...would it add a pickly taste? )

Oven temp: 350 degrees (aka Standard Hot Dish Temp)

Pan size: greased 2-quart bakin dish

How to:
Prepare macaroni accordin to directions; drain. Preheat oven to 350. In large bowl, combine all ingredients and mix well (I can imagine that sound...squishy-squishy). Turn into greased 2-quart bakin dish (bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!). Cover and bake 30 to 35 minutes or until hot and bubbly. Makes 6 servins.

Wednesday, October 28

Raisin Wine

Disclosure: I will drink anythin - ANYTHIN - but there is no way I'd drink this unless I was a pathetically lonely teen with no friends (that looked) old enough to buy cheap beer for me. I think I'd even go for that hideous bile-flavored "dandelion" crap before I'd try this. Hell, I'd probably even drink nail polish remover first. Thanks to Mrs. Gertrude Black for sharin this with us. Bottoms up!

4 lbs. raisins
1 quart Welch's grape juice (don't go tryin to use the cheap shit - this is high quality stuff right here)
4 lbs. sugar
1/2 cake yeast (why cake yeast? what is cake yeast? if I used bread yeast, would the world end? how do I get a 1/2 cake yeast anyway?)
7 c. hot water

How to:
Combine ingredients. Stir for 26 days. (my, but that's a specific length of time...also, I'm pretty certain my arm will fall off after a solid 2 hours of stirrin, so I shudder to think what will happen after 624 hours of such activity.) Put in a jug (preferably a cartoon one marked 'XXX') and let yeast set on the bottom. Put in bottles and put top on lightly. (or what - it will turn into a diet-Coke-and-Mentos-style geyser? this sure sounds dangerous and messy, and I'm not just talkin about what will happen if you actually drink it.)

Chicken Lemone

Here's an...ahem...interestin recipe from Mrs. Betty Sanders, via friend of the blog Mrs. Gertrude Black.

On first read-through I said to myself, okay, what's so special about this? On second read-through I said out loud, "Now for heaven's sakes Betty, why the frozen lemonade? That's a rather odd choice for marinade." To which (in my imagination) Betty Draper replied, in between drags off a cigarette, "Who cares. I'm trapped in a loveless marriage under the repressive thumb of 1960's male chauvinism. You're lucky it's not marinated in Kool-Aid and whiskey."

At least the recipe name sounds French, so you can pretend you're Julia Child when tellin folks what you've made...

Boneless breast of chicken (1 full breast per person - 2 pieces) (but what if I want to serve more than two people? what do I do then? I CAN'T DO MATH!)
Frozen lemonade (1 can for 4-6 servins) (this still has me shakin my head)
Grated rind of 1 lemon (fancy!)
Salt, pepper in flour for dredgin
Oil (what kind? oh who cares. I'm lucky it's not baby oil, right Bets?)

Oven temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: Who cares. Just try not to burn down the house.

How to:
Wash and pat dry chicken pieces. Place in a bowl. Lightly salt and pepper. Pour lemonade in a bowl and add to it the grated rind of lemon, stir to blend. Pour over chicken pieces. Cover and marinate for at least 8 hours. (8 hours!? why, that's like a whole day of work! what am I supposed to do, get up at the crack of dawn to make this recipe? well maybe it's just for those lucky stay-at-homers.)

To Prepare: Remove chicken from marinade and dredge with flour. Lightly brown in cookin oil (oh.) and place in a bakin pan. Cover with marinade and bake for approximately 1 hour at 350 degrees. Should come out moist, tender, and delicious. (If you say so, Betty...) Serve with rice and salad and vegetable (just one) for a delicious meal. (All right. I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, but now I believe the lady doth say "delicious" too much...)