Pig Lickin Cake

Yeah. You read that right. The name of this cake is PIG LICKIN. However, you will be surprised to learn that, unlike some of our other fabulous submissions, this cake does NOT contain SPAM or pork n' beans. So where does the completely out-of-left-field name come from? Don't ask me, ask Bev Utash. She's the one who invented this Midwest classic.

If anyone out there knows why this is Pig Lickin Cake, or what the hell that means (blind guesses are acceptable too), please for the love of all that's holy let me know. Because the only images that Pig Lickin conjures in my mind are so NSFW it's not even funny, and this is a family establishment here goddammit.

Props to Mrs. Gertrude Black for yet again providin this blog with A-list material!

Ingredients:
1 yellow cake mix (2 layer size)
3 oz. box instant vanilla puddin
3/4 c. oil (of the vegetable variety, I presume)
4 eggs
1 sm. can mandarin oranges, undrained (thus far I see nothin relatin to pigs or lickin)

Oven Temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: 9 x 13 x 2 (is there a 9 x 13 bakin pan in existance that isn't 2 inches deep? I've certainly never seen one)

How to:
Put all ingredients in large mixin bowl. Mix 2 to 3 minutes. Pour into 9" x 13" x 2" greased and floured or 2 (8" x 9") greased and floured round pans. (sorry, but double-decker cakes are a little too fancy for the church potluck, Bev. unless this is for a pig lickin weddin, we'll stick to the good ol' sheet cake) Bake in preheated 350 degree oven 25 to 30 minutes for round pans or 30 to 35 minutes for a rectangular pan.

Toppin: (hey guess what? we didn't give you this in the ingredients list, so you probably neglected to purchase these additional items at the grocery store and won't realize you need them until it's too late! well, tough taco for you! of course, if you were a GOOD Midwest housewife, you'd keep a steady supply of all three of the followin items in the pantry, right next to your stockpile of cream of mushroom soups.)
15 oz. can crushed pineapple
6 oz. box vanilla instant puddin
8 oz. carton non dairy whip (a cake just isn't complete without a slatherin of Cool Whip!)

Raisin Wine

Disclosure: I will drink anythin - ANYTHIN - but there is no way I'd drink this unless I was a pathetically lonely teen with no friends (that looked) old enough to buy cheap beer for me. I think I'd even go for that hideous bile-flavored "dandelion" crap before I'd try this. Hell, I'd probably even drink nail polish remover first. Thanks to Mrs. Gertrude Black for sharin this with us. Bottoms up!

Ingredients:
4 lbs. raisins
1 quart Welch's grape juice (don't go tryin to use the cheap shit - this is high quality stuff right here)
4 lbs. sugar
1/2 cake yeast (why cake yeast? what is cake yeast? if I used bread yeast, would the world end? how do I get a 1/2 cake yeast anyway?)
7 c. hot water

How to:
Combine ingredients. Stir for 26 days. (my, but that's a specific length of time...also, I'm pretty certain my arm will fall off after a solid 2 hours of stirrin, so I shudder to think what will happen after 624 hours of such activity.) Put in a jug (preferably a cartoon one marked 'XXX') and let yeast set on the bottom. Put in bottles and put top on lightly. (or what - it will turn into a diet-Coke-and-Mentos-style geyser? this sure sounds dangerous and messy, and I'm not just talkin about what will happen if you actually drink it.)

Milkless, Butterless, Eggless Cake

We might as well also call this cake Tasteless and Joyless. Bid Jensen, the creator of this recipe, was way ahead of her time with this one, which predates Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, and the modern health food craze. I think they sell a similar version of this cake at my local health food Co-Op, only they call it "Vegan" and charge $5 a slice for it.

Happy Birthday, DB!

Ingredients:
2 c. flour
1/2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. cloves
Little nutmeg (seriously, kids - go easy on the nutmeg; it's a known hallucinogen)
1 c. raisins
1 tbsp. melted shortenin (yuck. why not just use oil?)
1 c. sugar
1 1/4 tsp. bakin soda
1 c. liquid from raisins (super yuck. I bet that smells deliteful.)
1 tsp. vanilla

Oven temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: 9x12" pan (or 9x13, since that's actually the standard, but maybe ol' Bid wasn't so keen on the measurin?)

How to:
Stew raisins so there will be one cup of liquid. (maybe if you stewed them in booze, this cake wouldn't be Joyless anymore) Cool. (yeah, it would be cool if you stewed the raisins in liquor. nice to know we're on the same page, Bid) Put liquid in bowl and add soda, shortenin and sugar. Sift flour and measure. Then sift with salt, cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg. (all this siftin is gettin old fast) Beat 2 minutes - add raisins and vanilla. Serves 12. (So I guess we'll just forget the step where you actually bake the damned cake, and just call this a Milkless, Butterless, Eggless, Tasteless, Joyless, Bakeless Cake. But I'm guessin if you actually wanted to serve this, you'd bake it for about 30-35 minutes.)

Different spices may be used - to taste. (Oh, so this isn't a Tasteless cake after all, then is it? If I can choose whatever spices I want - to taste - then I choose cayenne, oregano, Paul Prudhomme's Salmon Magic, and a can of Van de Kamp's Pork n Beans. With Cool Whip on top.)

Broken Glass

Finally! A recipe that uses Jello but doesn't call itself a salad!

Nope, not a salad. Just somethin dangerous that, as a rule, you generally want to avoid. Sounds like good eatin to me!

This is recipe #5 in the July Jello Jigtacular! Collect them all!

Ingredients:
1 pkg. ea. lemon, raspberry, lime, and orange Jello (did you catch that folks? 4 boxes of Jello)
1 pkg. gelatin (make that 5 - this, though, is the unflavored stuff)
1 c. pineapple juice
1/2 c. sugar
1/4 c. cold water
2 c. whippin cream (the liquidy stuff, not Cool Whip--although I know you're tempted)
1 tsp. vanilla

GRAHAM CRACKER CRUST:
24 graham crackers
1/2 c. butter (melted)
1/2 c. sugar

Pan size: 8x13-inch pan (actually, I think the standard is 9x13, so don't travel the globe lookin for an 8x13 pan, ok?)

How to:
Prepare graham cracker crust in an 8x13-inch pan. Prepare each box of Jello in 4 separate pans; set to harden (this is already usin up way too many dishes for my likin). Soak gelatin in cold water. Heat pineapple juice and add gelatin; cool. Combine whippin cream, sugar and vanilla. Cut Jello and fold together with cream mixture, pineapple mixture and Jello. Pour into pan with graham cracker crust and sprinkle graham crackers on top. Refrigerate 2 hours. (I wonder what this ends up lookin like? I just can't get a good mental visual on it at all. And why the hell is it called broken glass?)

Cranberry and Chicken Delite

I always hate it when the word "delight" is spelled wrong, except in the case of the late 90's retrodiscofunkalicious group Deeeee-Lite (are they still around?). What, pray tell, makes this salad worthy of "delite"? Is it the 3 kinds of gelatin? The dill pickles?

Actually, it sounds like some crazy Midwestern pregnant lady was raidin her cupboards at 2 a.m. and decided to go with a "salad" for Fourth Meal. For your health!

Ingredients:
First Layer: (oooh, if layers are involved you know you're in for somethin interestin)
3 c. cranberry juice cocktail
1 pkg. strawberry gelatin
1 pkg. lemon gelatin
1 c. fruit cocktail (drained)
1 c. whole berry cranberry sauce (I assume this is not the kind that comes out can-shaped; then again, this is Midwest Cookin)

Second Layer:
2 envelopes unflavored gelatin (um)
1 (10 oz.) can condensed chicken broth (oh, I see. you're goin to make chicken broth jello. let me change that "um" to "yum"! heh...ha...ew.)
1 c. light cream
1 c. sour cream
1 c. tomato juice
Salt & pepper
2 c. chicken (diced & cooked)
1/2 c. celery (finely chopped)
1/2 c. dill pickles (finely chopped) (oh man, I almost lost it there - fruit cocktail, fruity jello, gelatinous chicken broth and pickles? what, did Mrs. Tairy Greene invent this recipe?)

Pan size: 9x13

How to:
Heat 1 c. cranberry juice to boilin. Add (fruity) gelatins and stir until dissolved. Stir in remainin juice. Chill until slightly thickened. Fold in fruit cocktail and cranberry sauce. Combine gelatin and chicken broth. Place over low geat ([sic]) and stir until gelatin is dissolved. Stir in cream, sour cream, and tomato juice. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Chill until slightly thickended ([sic] [again]). Fold in chicken, celery and pickles. Pour in a 9x13-inch pan and chill until firm. Pour cranberry layer on top and chill. Serve on greens. (Well, there you have it. There's what makes this a healthy salad. You serve it on greens, i.e., iceberg lettuce. DELITEFUL!)

Mashed Potato Cake

Apparently, there are a ton of strange things that can be incorporated into cake. But who comes up with this? And how? Like, who, in the middle of makin a cake, says, "Gee, y'know what would go really good in this? Pork n' beans! No, no wait - how about mashed potatoes?"

Kind of reminds me of Iron Chef for some reason. That would be a great battle - BATTLE MIDWEST COOKIN. The Chairman would lift the altar cover to reveal Velveeta, Cool Whip, pork n' beans, Potato Buds and Jello as the secret ingredients. I'd watch it.

Ingredients:
1 c. butter
2 c. sugar
2 c. cold potatoes (mashed)
4 eggs (well beaten)
2 c. flour
2 tsp. soda
2 tsp. cloves
1 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. nutmeg
1 tbsp. cocoa
3/4 c. sour cream
1 c. raisins
1 c. nuts

Icin:
3 tbsp. (level) flour
3/4 c. milk
1 stick butter
1 c. sugar
Vanilla (uh...how much? teaspoon, tablespoon, cup, gallon...)

Oven temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: no size, just "greased pans" (plural)

How to:
Cream butter and sugar; add potatoes and eggs. Add flour and spices alternately with sour cream. Add floured raisins and nuts. (Did I miss somethin? Where did it say to flour the raisins?) Pour into greased pans. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 to 55 minutes.

For Icin: Cook flour and milk until thick. Cool. Add butter and sugar which have been creamed together. (Now that's an oddly phrased sentence.) Add Vanilla. (The End.)

Beet Jelly

How weird is Beet Jelly? What exactly would you spread it on? Toast? SPAM?

I'd never heard of it, let alone eaten it until stumblin upon not one, but TWO recipes for it in the First Lutheran Church cookbook. I tried to pick one or the other, but finally gave up. The recipes are so unique that I just have to share them both. Enjoy!

Beet Jelly Recipe #1, by Nell Bremer
Ingredients:
4 c. beet water (peel and boil cut-up beets to get water)
5 c. sugar
1 pkg. raspberry Kool-Aid (do they even make that anymore?)
1 pkg. powdered pectin

How to:
Boil beet water, Kool-Aid, and pectin to full boil. Add sugar and boil again to full hard boil (ooh that's hot!) for 1 minute. Pour into jelly glasses. When cool, cover with paraffin and store. (Just below the end of the directions, separatin it from the next Beet Jelly recipe it says: "If you did all the things you should do before you go on vacation, it would be over before you started." What the hell does that mean? It's like some kind of Zen conundrum, like "the sound of one hand clapping"!)


Beet Jelly Recipe #2, by Esther Wolfgram
Ingredients:
6 c. beet juice
2 pkgs. Sure-Jell
1/3 c. real lemon juice (as opposed to the fake kind)
8 c. sugar (woah - WAY sugarier than the other one - this one gets my vote)
1-6 oz. pkg. raspberry jello (I take that back)

How to:
Scrub beets real good and cover with water and boil until almost done. (Beets can be canned for pickled beets or buttered beets.) (I'm glad Esther isn't wasteful with her beets. I'm lookin at you, Nell.) (Put juice through a cloth.) (Did that really need to be in parentheses? You're cuttin into my game here, Esther.) Bring beet juice to a boil and add 2 packages Sure-Jell and lemon juice. Bring to a boil. Add 8 cups sugar and raspberry jello. Boil 6 or 8 minutes. Skim and put in jars and seal with wax.

Snow Ice Cream

It's been snowin "to beat the band" here lately, so I was inspired to post this snow-torious recipe from good Lutheran Lady Ruth Wright today.

Seriously though, Snow Ice Cream is perhaps the weirdest idea I've seen in awhile. I'm not sure I want to try it myself since the local snow would be made up of the local waterways (e.g., the Iowa River) - which are nasty, to say the least. I wonder if the snow would smell like the river? Like a rank mix of bleach, laundry detergent, dead fish, and bum urine? Well, if you are brave enough to give it a shot, share your results with the blog!

Ingredients:
1 egg
1/2 c. sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
1 c. evaporated milk or cream
A Snowy Day (duh)

How to:
In large bowl, beat egg, sugar, vanilla and milk. After a new snowfall bring in a large pan of fresh, clean snow (in other words, not yellow or brown). Before it has a chance to melt, add to egg mixture by the cupful, stirring until ice cream is thick...........eat quickly. (The overabundant elipses are in the original recipe. Doesn't the combination of raw egg and snow sound kinda gross and/or salmonella-inducing?)