Wiener Water Soup

Well, when the next Great Depression hits, we may all resort to eatin "food" like this "soup" which is the most depressin recipe I've ever seen. Other than hobos, who would actually eat this? Or, worse yet, serve it to their family? I feel like Child Services needs to be called on this recipe just for existin!

Thanks to Midwest Cookin fan Mrs. Gertrude Black for submittin this one.

Ingredients:
1 pkg. wieners
3 c. water

How to:

Combine wieners and water in a two quart saucepan. Bring to a boil until wieners are cooked. Throw the wieners in the garbage. (WHAT?! you're broke enough to actually be eatin this swill and you're goin to toss perfectly good wieners in the garbage?!? you deserve to be poor.) Serve soup. Serves 3. (Ugh - I bet this "soup" has a deliteful aroma. Urp.)

Corn Beef Salad

I hope you aren't eatin when you read this one, and if you are, you might want to put down that fork. This could very well be one of the foulest concoctions we've seen here at Midwest Cookin.

I think the Midwest should have its own 4th of July competitive eatin fal-de-ral. Forget about Nathan's New York hot dog eatin contest. Those guys wouldn't last 3 bites if it was a contest featurin this dish.

Dear readers, I present to you: Corn Beef Salad! (No, not "corned beef" - "corn beef".)

This recipe is #4 in the July Jello Jigtacular! Collect them all!

("Wait", you say, slowly comin to the realization of what you're about to read, "beef...and...Jello? NOOOOooooooooo!"

Yes.)

Ingredients:
1 large pkg. lemon Jello
2 c. hot water
1 c. cold water
2 c. celery (chop fine)
2 tbsp. vinegar
1 small green pepper
4 boiled eggs (cut fine)
2 tbsp. onion (grated)
1 can corned beef (flaked)
1 c. mayonnaise (I use Miracle Whip) (thanks for the handy tip, Mary Wolf of Immanuel Lutheran)

How to:
Mix Jello in hot (boilin) water. Add cold water. After Jello starts to set, whip. Fold in the remainin ingredients. Add a little parsley on top (if desired). (Oh yes. The parsley will make it all better.)

Noodle Puddin Delight

I've mentioned before my distaste of misspellin the word "delight" as "DELITE". Well, this recipe gets the spellin right, but I'll be damned if it gets anythin. Else. Right. At. All.

Like, when I read this recipe I literally puked and swallowed it. WHO would eat this? It's like somethin they'd serve in Gitmo to torture prisoners. It's like a dare. It's like, as loyal reader Ballz McCracken said, "they started a recipe, went to turn the page and some pages were stuck together, so they ended on another recipe." I couldn't agree more.

And does anybody want to guess who supplied this recipe to me? Yep. It was good ol' Mrs. Tairy Greene. Rats off to ya, Mrs. Greene! Keep on cookin!

Ingredients:
2 c. medium wide noodles
2 eggs
3 tbsp Heinz tomato ketchup
3 tbsp sugar
1 tbsp lemon juice
dash salt
1 tsp vanilla (eh?)
3 tbsp salad oil
1 can crushed pineapple, drained (what? WHAT?!)
1 c seedless raisins (raisins and ketchup? oh, HELL no!)

Oven temp: 400 degrees

Pan size: 1 1/2 quart casserole

How to:
Cook noodles in salted boilin water until tender and drain, rinse. Beat eggs with next 5 ingredients until well blended. Add drained noodles; stir in salad oil. Add pineapple and raisins; turn mixture into greased 1 1/2 quart casserole or individual casseroles. Bake 40-45 minutes or until set. (oh cripes, that does it.) Serve hot. Makes 6-8 servins. (I had to read the recipe twice before I realized where the "puddin" comes from. There's no puddin in it - the coagulated ketchup-egg-pineapple-oil-raisins mix makes its OWN puddin. Lunch ladies of the world, here's your new Friday special.)

Mr. Tairy Greene's Casserole

Oh, Mrs. Tairy Greene, you devil, you. Where oh where do you come up with these fantastic culinary confections?

This particular dish, I'm told, is a BIG favorite of Mrs. Tairy Greene's Mister. The real name is "Poor Man's Casserole" but I simply can't imagine why. I could totally see this bein served in the finest restaurants in Elk Run Heights.

Ingredients:
1 7.25 ounce box Kraft Macaroni and Cheese
1 c. milk
1/4 c. butter or margarine
***********************************
1 15 ounce can Van de Kamp Pork and Beans (make sure they're Van de Kamp - generic Pork and Beans simply will not do!)
1 3/4 c. cottage cheese
6 wieners, sliced into "coins"

How to:
Cook Kraft Macaroni and Cheese accordin to package directions. Pour contents into a medium-sized servin bowl. Open the pork 'n' beans and layer the room-temperature beans onto the mac 'n' cheese. Next, microwave the wieners for approximately 45 seconds. While the wieners are warmin, layer the cottage cheese onto the layer of beans. (oh, delightful) Finally, sprinkle the wiener coins onto the cottage cheese layer and serve to your hungry family. (Oh my god - you don't bake it? It's just all these lukewarm ingredients? Wowwww. That is some harsh shit. I pity the kids that eat this casserole.)

Note from Mrs. Greene: "Mr. Tairy Greene says the combination of flavors, temperatures and textures are what make this casserole out of this world! And moms, it's so easy! If only your family knew! ;)"

Pork N' Beans Cake

You read that correctly. This is a cake made with pork n' beans. I need say no more.

Happy Birthday, Mrs. Tairy Greene!

Ingredients:
2 c. sugar
2 tsp. bakin soda
1 tsp. bakin powder
2 tsp. plain cinnamon (as opposed to fancy cinnamon)
1/2 tsp. salt
4 eggs
1 c. vegetable oil
1-16 oz. can drained pork and beans
2 c. plain flour
8 oz. can crushed pineapple
8 oz. cream cheese
2 tsp. vanilla
1/4 c. soft margarine

Oven temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: bundt pan

How to:
CAKE: mix all dry ingredients together. Add eggs and oil to mixture. Mash beans and mix with pineapple. Add this to above ingredients. Pour into a bundt pan and bake at 350 degrees for 40 to 45 minutes. ICIN: cream together all ingredients. Frost cake. "Surprisingly good." (I don't care what you say. I wouldn't eat this cake if you paid me. HOWEVER, I offer the same advice as I did for the SPAM truffles - take this to an office function and don't tell anyone what's really in it. Let your co-workers shovel it down and then reveal the surprise!)

Kool-Aid Pickles

Oh, Mrs. Tairy Greene. You are some kind of Midwest gourmet, I tell you what. Your recipes are truly somethin else. Well kids, Mrs. Greene sent me this recipe for her latest concoction and I just had to share it.

I can't imagine what these taste like, or why anyone would want to eat one. Perhaps they have a social/scientific use in that they could be used to quickly turn an overeater into a bulimic.

Ingredients:
1 c. sugar
1 envelope cherry KOOL-AID (I like the use of all-caps here - makes me want to scream OH YEAAAAAH! or, in the case of this recipe, OH NOOOOO!)
1 qt. (4 cups) water
1 jar (32 oz.) Kosher Dill Pickle Halves, drained

How to:
Stir sugar, KOOL-AID and water in 48-oz. glass or plastic jar or storage container with lid until drink mix is dissolved. (OK, you've not disgusted me yet. You've only made KOOL-AID at this point.) Add pickles, arrangin so that cut sides are completely covered with liquid; cover tightly. Refrigerate at least 24 hours or up to 1 week. To serve, remove pickles from jar and cut in half. ("Hm," I say, "That doesn't seem that bad. Maybe I was just overreactin." And then I see the photo...)

(Yeah. I was thinkin the one on the left looked like that too, buddy. And the green one indicates that other flavors of KOOL-AID could potentially be used in this gastronomic apocalypse. What flavor is that anyway? Lemon-lime? Oh boy. I think this would be another one to take anonymously to a company potluck, or to be used as punishment for naughty children.)

SPAMtastic Mincemeat Truffles

And for dessert, I present you with what could possibly be the most disgustin recipe I've encountered yet. SPAM candy. Who in God's name is responsible for this nightmare? Thanks again to Mrs. Tairy Greene for this nausea-inducing concoction...

Ingredients:
1 envelope gelatin
2 tablespoons water
1 (12-ounce) can SPAM Lite luncheon meat (yeah, like usin the "lite" version would somehow make me less likely to vomit on bitin into one of these babies)
1 (9-ounce) box condensed mincemeat
1 cup Coffee-Mate powdered coffee creamer, preferably hazelnut
2 cups flaked coconut
½ cup black rum (well, at least it has booze in it)
1 teaspoon rum flavorin
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 pounds powdered sugar
1 cup walnut pieces
1 (24-ounce) package semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 (12-ounce) package white chocolate chips

How to:
Dissolve gelatin in water in microwave about 1 ½ minutes. In food processor combine SPAM and gelatin for 2 minutes at medium speed. Add mincemeat and coffee creamer. Process 2 minutes at medium speed.

Place SPAM mixture in large bowl. Add coconut, rum, rum flavorin, vanilla and powdered sugar. Mix well and refrigerate overnight.

Usin the large end of a melon baller, form candy into balls with a walnut piece in the center of each one. (Oh, yeah, that makes it so much better.) Freeze candy for several hours.

Melt dark chocolate chips in a small bowl in microwave for about 5 minutes. Usin a two-tined fork, dip each ball into the dark chocolate, shake off excess and place on waxed paper.
Melt white chocolate chips in microwave about 3 minutes. Place melted white chips in a Ziploc bag. Snip of a tiny bit of plastic from one corner of the bag. Drizzle white chocolate back and forth across candy balls.

Allow all chocolate to harden. Keeps in refrigerator for up to 10 days and yields 100 truffles. (Hey, I have a suggestion: Got one of those lame office food parties comin up? You should totally bring these puppies. Don't tell your coworkers what's in them, just wait for their reactions. People will eat them without knowin what they are, I assure you. I'd do it myself, but I don't have a job right now.)

Mystery Salad!

You get a double dose of recipes today, from the hallowed halls of ancient Pillsbury texts. I wonder why folks don't eat stuff like this anymore?

The first recipe, Mystery Salad, is from Mrs. Tairy Greene of Des Moines, IA.

Ingredients:
3 packages lemon jello
1 1/2 c. boilin water
1 1/2 c. celery, chopped
1/3 c. onion, chopped
1/3 c. green pepper, chopped
3 cans tuna, drained (yes, that's right - tuna and jello)
3 cans condensed chicken noodle soup
8 oz. can water chestnuts, drained and chopped
1 1/2 c. mayonnaise or Miracle Whip
1 1/2 c. whippin cream (not whipped cream, whippin cream - thank god)

Pan size: 9x13 bakin dish

How to:
In a large bowl, dissolve jello in boilin water. Cool to lukewarm. Add all remainin ingredients and blend well. Pour into 9x13 pan and refrigerate until firm. (P.S. Try not to vomit.)