Wonder Bread Cookies (Cheese Blintzes)

Good lord, ladies. Givin a recipe with a horrific name a somewhat-recognizable subtitle does not make the recipe any less horrific, especially when one views the ingredients involved. This concoction was dreamed up by Marcia Wnek and Dorothy Majcher, and was submitted to the blog by the lovely Mrs. Gertrude Black. As Mrs. Black noted in her submission, "I know it's your job to comment, not mine, but I have to say that other than the eggs and cinnamon, there are no naturally occurrin foods in this recipe. Maybe sugar, but it's processed too..." Too true, Mrs. Black, too true. I also must note that a recipe of this caliber took not one but TWO determined gals to not only dream it up but to have the gall to actually make it and share it with others, no less.

By the way, this recipe will be the perfect appetizer for that big hobo feast you're plannin! Or, y'know, just call it dinner and feed it to the kids. White bread and sugar. I'm sure they'll love it.

Ingredients:
1 loaf Wonder or Sobig bread (don't know what Sobig bread is, and as a Midwesterner that makes me immediately suspicious of it)
2 (8 oz.) pkgs. cream cheese
2 yolks (from eggs, I presume)
3/4 c. sugar
1 stick margarine, melted (or oleo, if that's the way you swing)
1 c. sugar (eh? didn't you just tell me it needs 3/4 c. sugar? ever heard of combining ingredients and then explainin the split in your how-to portion? grumblegrumblegrumble)
4 tsp. cinnamon

Oven temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: (mysterious:) "ungreased pan"

How to:
Cut crust from loaf of bread. (Bread must be fresh.) (Okay, boss. By the by, parenthetical asides are MY JOB on this site so step off, sisters.) Roll each slice with rollin pin. Mix together cheese, egg yolks and 3/4 c. sugar. Spread mixture on bread generously (not cheaply, although you're one cheap bastard if you're makin this for somebody's party) and roll up. Roll in melted margarine, then in a mixture of cinnamon and sugar. (it's poor man's monkey bread!) Bake at 350 for 20 minutes on ungreased pan. Cut each in 2 or 3 pieces. (Thereby stretchin this cheapo recipe a s f a r a s y o u c a n . . .)

Ham Spread

The final entry in this weekend's Hamtacular Spectacular is Ham Spread. It's simple, it's versatile, it's got ham in it. Hey, I have an idea - if you're havin a Stupor Bowl party, why not just serve 10 different kinds of ham and/or SPAM to your guests? You won't have to look farther than this blog for awesome ideas! How bout servin Ham Balls, Ham Logs, Ham Spread and SPAM truffles? Mmmmmm....sounds like delicious!

This recipe is courtesy of Janet Leckness of Immanuel Lutheran Church & School. "Lutheran Schools Care A Lot!"

Ingredients:
2 c. ground ham
1-8 oz. package cream cheese
1/4 c. Miracle Whip or mayonnaise
1/2 tsp. dry mustard
1 tsp. dry parsley
1/4 c. onion, finely chopped

How to:
Combine and let stand in refrigerator 2 to 3 hours or overnight. (See, I told you it was easy! Wait - what are you supposed to serve this with? Crackers? Bread? Sorry, I don't know. Maybe you just put a spoon in it and eat it straight like ice cream.)

Ham Logs with Raisin Sauce

This one is for my brother DB, who loves ham so much that when he meditates, his mantra is "Haaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!" I know he really misses good ol Midwest cookin, so I decided that this weekend should be a Hamtacular Spectacular.

It's also my Dad's birthday today, and he's an even bigger fan of ham than my brother. Happy birthday, Dad!

This recipe is courtesy of Mildred Sinnwell, and comes from the Immanuel Lutheran Dorcas Society's 1992 cookbook, Generations of Good Cookin.

Now if I could only get a copy of my brother's recipe for Pickle Surprise!

Ingredients:
1 lb. ground ham
1/2 lb. ground pork
3/4 c. milk
1/2 c. oatmeal
1 egg
2 tbsp. horseradish
1/2 tsp. salt & pepper

Raisin Sauce:
1 tbsp. corn starch
3/4 c. cold water
2 tbsp. lemon juice
2 tbsp. vinegar
1/2 c. brown sugar
1/4 c. raisins

Oven temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: standard bakin dish

How to:
Combine all ingredients; mix well. Shape into logs about 2-inches long. Place into bakin dish. Cover with raisin sauce. Bake at 350 degrees for 40 to 45 minutes.

For Raisin Sauce: Mix water and corn starch; blend well. Add remainin ingredients. Cook until mixture is smooth, stir continually. Pour over ham logs. (Logically, wouldn't it make sense to tell us to make the sauce and set it aside BEFORE tellin us to "combine all ingredients"? I guess Mildred's just assumin that everyone knows how to make Ham Balls/Logs/Whatever and only a grade-A moron would put the sauce ingredients in with the rest of the stuff.)

Ham Balls

Let's repeat that mantra: Haaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Part two of today's Hamtacular Spectacular. This recipe is H. J. Lichty's (does the H stand for Ham?), from the Immanuel Lutheran Dorcas cookbook, Generations of Good Cookin. I realize that Ham Balls and Ham Logs are very similar, but different meat shapes for different folks, right?

Besides, now that you know how to make em both, if you're havin a fancy party, you can serve a big ol platter of logs and balls - boy oh boy, your guests will sure thank you!

Ingredients:
2 1/2 lbs. smoked ground ham
1 lb. ground lean pork
2 lbs. ground beef (good lawd, that's a lot of meat!)
3 eggs
3 c. graham cracker crumbs
2 c. milk

Sauce:
2 cans tomato soup (oh good, this recipe is low-salt)
3/4 c. vinegar
2 c. brown sugar
2 tsp. dry mustard

Oven temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: ??? (casserole? bakin dish? who knows?)

How to:
Mix well the meats, eggs, crumbs, and milk. (Be sure to wash your hands after touchin your balls, kids.) Use ice cream dipper to form balls. Heat sauce and pour over balls. (OUCH!) Bake at 350 degrees for 1 to 1 1/2 hours. These freeze very well baked or unbaked. Makes 40 balls. (That's a lotta nuts balls!)