Poor Man's Stroganoff

One of my favorite things about Midwest Cookin is how, simply by changin the title of a recipe, a dish can go from bein "Half-assed, Inadequate Stroganoff" to bein "Poor Man's Stroganoff". But really, I don't see anythin in this recipe that makes it truly worthy of the Poor Man's title. Maybe I'm not familiar enough with "Rich Man's Stroganoff", but as far as I know, Stroganoff in general is not made with gold flakes and kobe beef.

This recipe was submitted to the blog by Mrs. Gertrude Black. (She sure knows her poor folks' food!)

Ingredients:
1/2 c. minced onion (oh, do be a super-cheap dear and use the dried kind as well, won't you?)
1 clove garlic, minced (only one clove - we don't want to just throw money away here!)
1/4 c. butter (you can always use oleo if it's on sale)
1 lb. ground chuck (correct me if I'm wrong, but "chuck" is like the crappiest meat you can get, right? so THAT'S where the 'Poor Man' in the title is comin from!)
2 Tbsp. flour
1 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
1 lb. fresh mushrooms or 1 (8 oz.) can mushrooms (oh for crimeny sakes, don't waste $2.00 on fresh mushrooms when you can get the canned ones for 50 cents!)
1 can cream of chicken soup (ugh. even the name of that shit makes me urp.)
1 c. sour cream (hmmm...that better be cheap sour cream...if I just let some old milk sit out on the counter for a few days, won't that be the same?)

How to:
Saute onion and garlic in butter. Add meat and brown. Add flour, salt, pepper and mushrooms. Cook 5 minutes. Ad ([sic]) soup and simmer, uncovered, 10 minutes. Stir in sour cream. (Yuck. Won't the last-minute sour cream make the soup get cold? Blecch. I'm not feelin so hot. I seriously have to go puke now. Our new slogan: "It's not H1N1 - it's Midwest Cookin!")

Poor Man Steak

Well, havin just read a bunch of news about this rotten economy, I figured we could all use some recipes for food that won't strain the budget, and this one certainly fits the bill both in ingredients and in name. (Note: I am not responsible if you end up needin triple-bypass from eatin a log of fried hamburger and three cans of cream of mushroom soup. If you want "healthy" poor folks' food, try Weiner Water Soup.)

Readin the title of this recipe, I imagined Mike Myers as Linda Richman on the old SNL "Coffee Talk" sketch sayin, "Poor Man Steak is neither made of man nor steak. Discuss."

Ingredients:
3 lbs. hamburger
1 onion, chopped fine
1 c. milk
1 c. dry bread crumbs
Pepper

Oven temp: 350 degrees 1 hour

Pan size: 9x13" glass bakin pan

How to:
Mix together and pat in cookie sheet. Cover with wax paper set in refrigerator overngiht ([sic]). Next day cut in servin pieces (you should totally cut them in shapes like steak-shape, dog bone-shape, hand-shape). Roll in flour and fry brown. Put in 9x13" glass bakin dish. (...and here's the big surprise...) Cover with 3 cans of mushroom soup. (Ta-DAAAAAA! Betcha didn't see that comin! Why didn't Myrtle Johnson include that crucial ingredient in the list? Why? Because silly, of course you, like any good housewife, keep a stock of 6-8 cans of cream of mushroom soup in your pantry at all times. You never know when company is goin to drop in and demand a casserole on the fly! By the way, I assume that this should be baked after you pour the soup over it, but it doesn't actually say - just lists an oven temp and cook time under the ingredients list. SO typical...)

Corn Beef Salad

I hope you aren't eatin when you read this one, and if you are, you might want to put down that fork. This could very well be one of the foulest concoctions we've seen here at Midwest Cookin.

I think the Midwest should have its own 4th of July competitive eatin fal-de-ral. Forget about Nathan's New York hot dog eatin contest. Those guys wouldn't last 3 bites if it was a contest featurin this dish.

Dear readers, I present to you: Corn Beef Salad! (No, not "corned beef" - "corn beef".)

This recipe is #4 in the July Jello Jigtacular! Collect them all!

("Wait", you say, slowly comin to the realization of what you're about to read, "beef...and...Jello? NOOOOooooooooo!"

Yes.)

Ingredients:
1 large pkg. lemon Jello
2 c. hot water
1 c. cold water
2 c. celery (chop fine)
2 tbsp. vinegar
1 small green pepper
4 boiled eggs (cut fine)
2 tbsp. onion (grated)
1 can corned beef (flaked)
1 c. mayonnaise (I use Miracle Whip) (thanks for the handy tip, Mary Wolf of Immanuel Lutheran)

How to:
Mix Jello in hot (boilin) water. Add cold water. After Jello starts to set, whip. Fold in the remainin ingredients. Add a little parsley on top (if desired). (Oh yes. The parsley will make it all better.)

Sloppy Joe Potato Pizza

Oh my god - this just may be more than I can handle right here.

See kids, I am the most devoted pizza freak I know. I'll eat any kind of pizza (unless it has sausage or, god forbid, hamburger on it) -- frozen pizza, homemade pizza, grocery store pizza, roller rink pizza, franchise pizza, pizzeria pizza. Pizza is my sacred cow. I could eat it every day because it's different every time. But this, this crosses a line.

For starters, where is the crust? Potatoes doused in cheese soup do not a pizza crust make. It's like a casserole minus the dish, that you make in a pizza pan and smother with cheese and olives (why always with the unnecessary olives, folks?). So, in my mind, the only way that this earns its right to be referred to as "pizza" is through the pan in which it's baked. It could only be more blasphemous if it were named Sloppy Joe Potato Jesus.

Ok. Sorry bout that. I'll end my rant now and get back to the cookin.

By the way, this comes from Marjorie Boehm and was unearthed from the 1989 Immanuel Lutheran Dorcas Cookbook. Dorkus.

Ingredients:
1 (32 oz.) bag frozen hash browns
1 (11 oz.) can cheddar cheese soup
1 egg
1 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. pepper
8 oz. cheddar cheese (shredded)
1 lb. ground beef (worst. pizza. toppin. ever.)
1 (15 1/2 oz.) can sandwich sauce for Sloppy Joe (she means MANWICH sauce, ladies)
2 tbsp. minced onion
2 tbsp. sliced ripe olives (optional)

Oven temp: 450 degrees

Pan size: pizza pan

How to:
To thaw potatoes quickly, place in sieve (or, y'know, you could just throw a few potatoes in a food processor and make instant FRESH hash browns). Pour hot water over potatoes; drain well. In a large bowl, mix together hash browns, soup, egg, salt and pepper. Spread potato mixture over a large buttered pizza pan. Bake in a 450 degree oven for 20 to 25 minutes. Meanwhile saute ground beef and onions; drain fat (mmmm fat!). Stir in canned Sloppy Joe sandwich sauce and simmer 5 minutes. Sprinkle 2/3 of cheese over baked potato crust. Spoon meat mixture over cheese and top with remainin cheese and olive slices. Bake 5 minutes longer. Makes 1 "pizza" (quotes added by me. so there. ha.).

Beef Eaters

I guess this is like a smooshed up cheeseburger or something. Yuck. Even the name seems gross to me. Of course that's probably because I don't eat beef.

If some carnivore out there would make this and send me a picture, I would be terribly grateful. I'm really curious as to what this would look like. And no, I will not let my "beef eater" BF make this because I absolutely do not want to smell it.

Ingredients:
1 1/2 lb. ground beef
1 (4 oz.) can tomato sauce
1/2 onion (chopped)
1 tsp. mustard
1 tsp. horseradish (oooh - exotic!)
1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
American cheese (sliced) (aw, c'mon lazy bones, you know you're just goin to use Kraft singles)
1 loaf French bread (ooh la la - exotique! seriously. I was expectin Wonder bread here)
Salt (to taste)

How to:
Mix all ingredients except cheese (and, apparent in the next sentence, the bread). Slice French bread in half lengthwise and cut into 3-inch chunks. Top with beef mixture and broil 10 to 15 minutes. Make sure beef is all the way to the edge of the bread. Melt cheese slices on top. (So very simple, huh? By the way, to avoid fire or ruinin a pan, make sure the thing you use for the mixin and the broilin is oven-safe and broiler-safe. That's your Midwest Cookin safety tip for the month.)

Sandwich Fillin

Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm. This Sandwich Fillin sure sounds good. Wait. No...no it doesn't.

I bet this was served at a Lutheran Social, or maybe a Quiltin Circle. It just seems like somethin old ladies would dig for lunch.

Ingredients:
1 pkg. dried beef (finely chopped) (yucko)
1 (8 oz.) pkg. cream cheese (softened)
2 tbsp. Miracle Whip salad dressin
1 tbsp. minced onion
1 tbsp. olives (grated) (huh? I've never heard of grated olives before)
1 c. parsley (chopped) or flakes
1 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce

How to:
Add dressin, onion, olives, parsley, and Worcestershire sauce to the cream cheese. Create on dark bread. (I love how it says that you "create" it. This sandwich version of shit-on-a-shingle is truly a work of art!)

Ham Balls

Let's repeat that mantra: Haaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Part two of today's Hamtacular Spectacular. This recipe is H. J. Lichty's (does the H stand for Ham?), from the Immanuel Lutheran Dorcas cookbook, Generations of Good Cookin. I realize that Ham Balls and Ham Logs are very similar, but different meat shapes for different folks, right?

Besides, now that you know how to make em both, if you're havin a fancy party, you can serve a big ol platter of logs and balls - boy oh boy, your guests will sure thank you!

Ingredients:
2 1/2 lbs. smoked ground ham
1 lb. ground lean pork
2 lbs. ground beef (good lawd, that's a lot of meat!)
3 eggs
3 c. graham cracker crumbs
2 c. milk

Sauce:
2 cans tomato soup (oh good, this recipe is low-salt)
3/4 c. vinegar
2 c. brown sugar
2 tsp. dry mustard

Oven temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: ??? (casserole? bakin dish? who knows?)

How to:
Mix well the meats, eggs, crumbs, and milk. (Be sure to wash your hands after touchin your balls, kids.) Use ice cream dipper to form balls. Heat sauce and pour over balls. (OUCH!) Bake at 350 degrees for 1 to 1 1/2 hours. These freeze very well baked or unbaked. Makes 40 balls. (That's a lotta nuts balls!)

Double-Decker Dinner

This casserole recipe comes to us from the First Lutheran Church Cookbook, courtesy of a Mrs. Nancy Niedert. Bein vegetarian, I am not about to try this recipe myself - but if you're a brave carnivore and make the attempt, please send me a picture of the finished product and after I return from puking in the sink, I'll post it on the blog.

Ingredients:
1 egg, beaten
1/2 c. tomato juice
1 1/2 c. soft bread crumbs, 2 slices bread
3/4 tsp. salt
dash pepper
1 lb. ground beef, pork, lamb, veal, or 2 c. cooked ground ham
1-10 oz. package frozen chopped broccoli
1 1/4 c. boiling water
1 c. quick-cooking rice
1/2 tsp. minced, dried onions (regular onion can be used in place of dry if you want)
1 tsp. salt
1 c. milk
1 c. shredded American cheese
2 eggs, beaten

Oven temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: 8x8 square, 2" deep

Cook time: 50 minutes total

How To:
In a mixin bowl, combine the first beaten egg, tomato juice, bread crumbs, 3/4 tsp. salt and pepper. Add meat and mix well. Pat meat evenly in bottom of ungreased pan or bakin dish (go ahead and give it a good smack, you devil you). Bake for 20 minutes. Drain off excess juices (gag) when done.

Meanwhile, in a 1-1/2 quart saucepan, cook broccoli in the water accordin to directions on package. DO NOT DRAIN! (woah - flashback...) (If usin a microwave, omit this step, just mix ingredients together and bake.) Stir in rice, onion, and salt. Bring to boil. Remove from heat. Cover and let stand for 5 minutes. Stir in milk, half of the cheese, and the 2 beaten eggs. Spread mixture over baked meat. Return to bakin dish to oven and bake for 30 minutes or till rice mixture is firm. Sprinkle remainin cheese on top. Let stand 10 minutes before servin. (If usin microwave, you might want to return to oven for a couple minutes to melt cheese.) (you, my dear Nancy, are a parentheses hog)

If usin ham, decrease salt. (why? because ham is salty? is that really goin to make a difference in the health benefits of this food?) May be done in microwave, but reduce water to 1/2 the amount. Recipe may be doubled without any problems (oh phew, I was worried), put in loaf cake pan.