Friday, February 29

Mother's Hot Milk Cake

Shame on me! I got so busy that I forgot to post the final recipe in the Mrs. Tairy Greene's Birthday Cake series! Here it is, from Lucille Bremer, the dessert with the most matronly (and innuendo-laden) name since Mother's Peppernuts -

1 c. sugar
1 c. flour
2 tsp. bakin powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1 c. hot milk
1 tsp. vanilla
2 egg whites, beaten

Oven temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: 13x9x2" pan (i.e., 9x13 rectangular bakin dish)

How to:
Sift sugar, flour, bakin powder and salt three times. (Oooh - specific!) Place in mixin bowl. Pour hot milk and vanilla over mixture and mix well. Fold in beaten egg whites. Pour batter in a 13x9x2" ungreased cake pan and bake 25-30 minutes in a 350 degree oven. Frost with a boiled white icin. Serves 18. (Thanks for tellin us how many people this cake will serve, but what the devil is "boiled white icin" and where is the recipe for THAT, Lucille? Do you just expect us to eat unfrosted cake, like we're some kind of savages!?)

Wednesday, February 20

Mayonnaise Cake

Keepin with the tradition of puttin odd stuff into cake, Carol Schatz has a recipe that is essentially chocolate cake with mayonnaise added. I suppose that's to make it MOIST! (Schatz - the plural past tense of the verb "shit"?)

2 c. flour
1 c. sugar
1 c. mayonnaise
1 c. cold water
1 tsp. vanilla
2 tsp. soda
dash of salt
3-4 tbsp. cocoa

Oven temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: 9x11 (Now that's odd. I thought the standard cake pan was 9x13. Well, I guess when you make this you need to cut off the extra 2 inches and shove them in your mouth really quick before anybody comes into the kitchen.)

How to:
Mix all above in a large mixin bowl and beat well. Pour into greased and floured pan and bake for 30-35 minutes.

Mashed Potato Cake

Apparently, there are a ton of strange things that can be incorporated into cake. But who comes up with this? And how? Like, who, in the middle of makin a cake, says, "Gee, y'know what would go really good in this? Pork n' beans! No, no wait - how about mashed potatoes?"

Kind of reminds me of Iron Chef for some reason. That would be a great battle - BATTLE MIDWEST COOKIN. The Chairman would lift the altar cover to reveal Velveeta, Cool Whip, pork n' beans, Potato Buds and Jello as the secret ingredients. I'd watch it.

1 c. butter
2 c. sugar
2 c. cold potatoes (mashed)
4 eggs (well beaten)
2 c. flour
2 tsp. soda
2 tsp. cloves
1 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. nutmeg
1 tbsp. cocoa
3/4 c. sour cream
1 c. raisins
1 c. nuts

3 tbsp. (level) flour
3/4 c. milk
1 stick butter
1 c. sugar
Vanilla ( much? teaspoon, tablespoon, cup, gallon...)

Oven temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: no size, just "greased pans" (plural)

How to:
Cream butter and sugar; add potatoes and eggs. Add flour and spices alternately with sour cream. Add floured raisins and nuts. (Did I miss somethin? Where did it say to flour the raisins?) Pour into greased pans. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 to 55 minutes.

For Icin: Cook flour and milk until thick. Cool. Add butter and sugar which have been creamed together. (Now that's an oddly phrased sentence.) Add Vanilla. (The End.)

Do Nothin Cake

I have been swamped this week and unfortunately neglected to post cake recipes for 2 days, so today I will make up for it with three!

Thanks to Evelyn Elsie Buol for this recipe, cake #4 in the "Happy Birthday Mrs. Tairy Greene" series! The title of this one is like what I am hopin to accomplish this comin weekend: DO NOTHIN! (Though I admit, I don't get it. I mean, why is it "Do Nothin"? Surely the act of collectin and mixin and bakin the ingredients counts for doin somethin!)

2 c. sugar
2 large eggs
2 c. flour
1 tsp. soda
1 tsp. vanilla
1 (20 oz.) can crushed pineapple (use juice)
1/2 tsp. salt

1 stick oleo (I love that word - OLEO)
2/3 c. evaporated milk
1 c. sugar
1 c. nuts
1 c. coconut

Oven temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: 9x13 bakin pan

How to:
Mix all together and pour into a 9x13 inch pan. Bake at 350 for 25 to 30 minutes. Cook oleo, milk and sugar for 5 minutes. Add nuts and coconut. (And? Then what? God, this IS a lazy recipe!)

Sunday, February 17

Scripture Cake

Cake Recipe #3 in the "Happy Birthday Mrs. Tairy Greene" series! This one is rather challengin as it requires not only that you have the recipe, but a Bible handy as well. Not sure if it needs to be a specific translation. I suppose King James or Revised Standard versions would be suitable.

I found it in a centennial cookbook from my Great-Granny's church, Zion Lutheran. I am curious about what the ingredients actually are. Maybe I'll give this one a shot myself...

1/2 lb. Judges 5:25
1/2 lb. Jeremiah 6:20
1 tbsp. I Samuel 14:25
3 of Jeremiah 17:11, well beaten (10 bucks says this ingredient is eggs!)
1/2 lb. of I Samuel 30:12
2 oz. Numbers 17:8, chopped & blanched (almonds? walnuts?)
1/2 lb. Nahum 3:12
1 lb. I Kings 4:22 (equal 4 c. flour) (cheater! you gave it away!)
2 tsp. Amos 4:5
3 tbsp. Judges 4:19 (last clause)
1 pinch Leviticus 2:13

Oven temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: 9x13 bakin pan

How to:
Season to taste with II Chronicles 9:9. Note 1/2 pound is 1 cup except in I Kings. Look up the Bible passages and you will have the ingredients of a Scripture Cake. Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour in a greased and floured 9x13 pan.

Saturday, February 16

Pork N' Beans Cake

You read that correctly. This is a cake made with pork n' beans. I need say no more.

Happy Birthday, Mrs. Tairy Greene!

2 c. sugar
2 tsp. bakin soda
1 tsp. bakin powder
2 tsp. plain cinnamon (as opposed to fancy cinnamon)
1/2 tsp. salt
4 eggs
1 c. vegetable oil
1-16 oz. can drained pork and beans
2 c. plain flour
8 oz. can crushed pineapple
8 oz. cream cheese
2 tsp. vanilla
1/4 c. soft margarine

Oven temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: bundt pan

How to:
CAKE: mix all dry ingredients together. Add eggs and oil to mixture. Mash beans and mix with pineapple. Add this to above ingredients. Pour into a bundt pan and bake at 350 degrees for 40 to 45 minutes. ICIN: cream together all ingredients. Frost cake. "Surprisingly good." (I don't care what you say. I wouldn't eat this cake if you paid me. HOWEVER, I offer the same advice as I did for the SPAM truffles - take this to an office function and don't tell anyone what's really in it. Let your co-workers shovel it down and then reveal the surprise!)

Friday, February 15

Sauerkraut Chocolate Cake

Tomorrow is friend-of-the-blog Mrs. Tairy Greene's birthday! In her honor, I am goin to post seven days of cake recipes, startin with this gem: Sauerkraut Chocolate Cake.

Yes, when I think of cake, I immediately think of sauerkraut too, don't you?

2/3 c. sugar
2/3 c. Crisco
1/2 c. cocoa
1 1/2 tsp. soda
1 tsp. vanilla
2/3 c. sauerkraut - rinsed, drained
3 eggs
2 1/4 c. flour
1/2 tsp. bakin powder
1 tsp. red colorin
1 c. water

Oven temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: 9x13 bakin pan

How to:
Blend sugar, Crisco, eggs; add cocoa, flour, bakin powder and soda. Mix together and add vanilla, red colorin and water. Chop sauerkraut and add to batter. Bake in well greased 9x13 pan at 350 for 30 minutes. (Here are my thoughts: 1) Why the sauerkraut? I've heard of (and eaten) zucchini cake before, but sauerkraut is pickled and smells like pee! 2) What is the point of addin red food colorin? That just seems weird. Oh wait, this is a perfectly good chocolate cake ruined by sauerkraut. Weird is the word here.)

Friday, February 8

Sandwich Fillin

Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm. This Sandwich Fillin sure sounds good. Wait. it doesn't.

I bet this was served at a Lutheran Social, or maybe a Quiltin Circle. It just seems like somethin old ladies would dig for lunch.

1 pkg. dried beef (finely chopped) (yucko)
1 (8 oz.) pkg. cream cheese (softened)
2 tbsp. Miracle Whip salad dressin
1 tbsp. minced onion
1 tbsp. olives (grated) (huh? I've never heard of grated olives before)
1 c. parsley (chopped) or flakes
1 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce

How to:
Add dressin, onion, olives, parsley, and Worcestershire sauce to the cream cheese. Create on dark bread. (I love how it says that you "create" it. This sandwich version of shit-on-a-shingle is truly a work of art!)

Wednesday, February 6

Potluck Casserole

Like "Hot Dish" before it, this casserole smacks of hastily-thrown-togetherness. This recipe comes from the 1975 First Lutheran Church cookbook and the contributor is none other than my own Granny. Why the lima beans, Granny? Why?

2 lbs. hamburger
1 lg. onion, diced
1 c. celery, diced
1 can green lima beans, undrained
2 cans spaghetti (cans? oh - like the Franco-American kind. I used to actually enjoy that stuff)

Oven temp: 325 degrees

How to:
Fry hamburger, onion and celery. Drain excess grease. Add undrained lima beans and spaghetti. Bake 1 hour at 325 degrees, uncovered. (I presume a standard casserole or bakin dish could be used for this recipe. Overall, this doesn't seem TOO terrible...but the canned lima beans are a total turnoff for me. I love fresh and frozen lima beans, but canned? Blecch.)

Friday, February 1

Kool-Aid Pickles

Oh, Mrs. Tairy Greene. You are some kind of Midwest gourmet, I tell you what. Your recipes are truly somethin else. Well kids, Mrs. Greene sent me this recipe for her latest concoction and I just had to share it.

I can't imagine what these taste like, or why anyone would want to eat one. Perhaps they have a social/scientific use in that they could be used to quickly turn an overeater into a bulimic.

1 c. sugar
1 envelope cherry KOOL-AID (I like the use of all-caps here - makes me want to scream OH YEAAAAAH! or, in the case of this recipe, OH NOOOOO!)
1 qt. (4 cups) water
1 jar (32 oz.) Kosher Dill Pickle Halves, drained

How to:
Stir sugar, KOOL-AID and water in 48-oz. glass or plastic jar or storage container with lid until drink mix is dissolved. (OK, you've not disgusted me yet. You've only made KOOL-AID at this point.) Add pickles, arrangin so that cut sides are completely covered with liquid; cover tightly. Refrigerate at least 24 hours or up to 1 week. To serve, remove pickles from jar and cut in half. ("Hm," I say, "That doesn't seem that bad. Maybe I was just overreactin." And then I see the photo...)

(Yeah. I was thinkin the one on the left looked like that too, buddy. And the green one indicates that other flavors of KOOL-AID could potentially be used in this gastronomic apocalypse. What flavor is that anyway? Lemon-lime? Oh boy. I think this would be another one to take anonymously to a company potluck, or to be used as punishment for naughty children.)

Very Best Chicken Casserole

Hmm...I wonder what exactly makes this particular chicken casserole the VERY BEST? Is it the mayonnaise? The Velveeta? The two cans of "cream of " soup?

Yeah, I'd be willin to bet that the bestness of this dish comes from the massive amounts of sodium, fats, and calories found in all the ingredients save the chicken, rice, and vegetables. Let's thank Dorcas Society member Florence Matthias for this recipe, shall we? If I ever decide I want to gain 10 lbs and simultaneously raise my blood pressure, I'll give this one a try (with fake chicken, of course).

3 c. chicken (diced) (uh...should the chicken be cooked first? guess I don't know too much about cookin with chicken)
3 c. rice (cooked)
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 can cream of chicken soup
1 tbsp. onion (chopped) (that's it?! no wonder this dish's flavor comes entirely from processed ingredients!)
1 tsp. salt (are you sure? do you know how much salt is in one of those cans of soup?)
1 c. mayonnaise dressin (does that mean Miracle Whip? I bet it would work here too)
4 boiled eggs (chopped)
2 tbsp. lemon juice
1 c. carrots (shredded)
1 c. celery (chopped)
1 c. Velveeta cheese (cut up)

Oven temp: 350 degrees

Pan size: 9x13 bakin dish

How to:
Mix all ingredients. Put in a 9x13-inch pan. Refrigerate overnight. Top with cracker crumbs. (FOUL! That wasn't in the ingredients list! Now I have to go back to the store!) Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes or until set. Serves 12 people.